“Why I’m Saying ‘Yes’ to a ‘Yes Day’ With My Black Boys”: A Sociologist’s Perspective
As a medical sociologist who studies family dynamics and a mother raising three Black boys (ages 9, 11, and 14), I’ve become increasingly aware of how power structures shape our daily interactions. I spend most of my days setting boundaries and saying “no” — a pattern that, while necessary, reflects broader societal power imbalances that I study professionally and experience personally.
The Sociology of “No”: Power Dynamics in Parenting
Research in family sociology shows that parent-child relationships are one of our first experiences with power hierarchies. These micro-level interactions teach children how authority works and their place within power structures. For marginalized families, particularly Black families, these lessons take on additional significance.
In my own home, I spend approximately 97% of my day setting boundaries, establishing rules, and — let’s be honest — saying “no.”
“No, you can’t eat a popsicle for breakfast.” “No, you cannot do a backflip off the couch.” “No, you cannot have a pet pig.” “No, you cannot play hide-and-seek in the sewer.”
So I’ve begun questioning: What messages do my sons internalize when their daily experience is predominantly being told what they cannot do?
This questioning led me to consider a “Yes Day” experiment, inspired by the popular movie but grounded in sociological understanding of how a temporary role switch can reveal and transform established power dynamics….as a recurring but limited experiment.
Why Power Reversals Matter Particularly for Black Boys
The sociological concept of “adultification bias” — where Black children are perceived as less innocent and more adult-like than their white peers — has been well-documented by researchers at Georgetown Law’s Center on Poverty and Inequality. Their studies show Black boys as young as 10 are routinely perceived as older and less innocent than white boys the same age.
Since we live in an inequitable world, Black mamas parent within systems that are already primed to restrict our children’s freedom. This is why intentional spaces of agency become not just fun but necessary interventions. A “Yes Day” isn’t merely indulgent; it’s a deliberate counter-practice to the excessive external regulation that Black boys experience.
The Psychology and Sociology of Parental Fear
It can be really challenging to name, but fear definitely complicates our decision-making: fear of immediate consequences (such as a sugar-induced meltdown after kid-led choices, for example) but also deeper fears about preparing children for navigating societal structures safely.
I’m not immune to these fears. When my 14-year-old asks for more freedom, two competing realities collide in my mind:
- Research showing that adolescents need increasing independence to develop healthy identity and decision-making skills
- Studies documenting how Black male adolescents face disproportionate consequences for normal teenage behavior
This tension creates what sociologist Patricia Hill Collins calls “motherwork” — the additional labor Black mothers perform navigating how to prepare children for both liberation and constraint simultaneously.
Experimenting with Controlled Power Shifts
Sociologists use the term “role release” to describe a temporary pause in normal role expectations. This concept informs my approach to “Yes Day” — not as abandonment of parental responsibility but as a controlled experiment in role flexibility with clear guidelines:
- Financial boundaries (we’ll establish a reasonable budget beforehand)
- Safety non-negotiables (activities must maintain physical safety)
- Timing constraints (the experiment has a clear beginning and end)
- Geographic limitations (we’ll stay within our community)
These guardrails create what sociologist Erving Goffman would call a “safe social laboratory” — a space where new behaviors can be tested without permanent consequences.
The Class Dimension: Accessibility of “Yes”
It would be irresponsible not to acknowledge how economic privilege shapes access to “Yes.” The movie version of “Yes Day” includes expensive activities that many families simply cannot afford.
According to research on family leisure, middle and upper-class families more frequently engage in “concerted cultivation” through resource-intensive activities, while working-class families often practice “accomplishment of natural growth” through unstructured time and relationship-building.
Our family’s “Yes Day” will need to reflect our economic reality…which doesn’t diminish its value — meaningful family connections emerge more from emotional presence than material spending. Our version might include:
- A picnic in the park rather than an expensive restaurant
- A living room dance party instead of concert tickets
- Creative home projects using materials we already have
Financial boundaries are a reality, but they shouldn’t hold families back from feeling that meaningful memory-making is beyond their reach.
Reframing Power: From Opposition to Collaboration
What particularly interests me as both researcher and Mama is how temporary power reversals might reshape everyday interactions. Sociologist Annette Lareau observed that middle-class parenting often features negotiation rather than directives — children learn to articulate needs, make cases for what they want, and navigate authority through reasoned discussion.
These skills become particularly crucial for Black children who will navigate complex institutions where their voices may be automatically devalued. When we practice starting with “yes” rather than “no,” we essentially teach collaborative problem-solving:
“Can we build a massive fort in the living room?” becomes “Yes, and let’s think about how we’ll construct it safely and clean up afterward.”
This approach transforms everyday power dynamics from opposition to collaboration, teaching children to articulate desires, anticipate challenges, and implement solutions — skills they’ll need throughout life.
The Sociological Importance of Black Joy
The concept of “joy as resistance” emerges from Black feminist scholarship documenting how experiencing pleasure within oppressive systems becomes an act of self-determination. As sociologist Robin D.G. Kelley argues, the imagination of Black joy creates space for envisioning broader liberation.
When my 9-year-old dances wildly around our kitchen without being self-conscious, or my normally serious 14-year-old dissolves into laughter during family game night, I witness this concept embodied. As Kleaver Cruz articulates in the Black Joy Project, “When we acknowledge that we exist in an anti-Black world that is set up to ensure we do not live, to choose life and to choose to enjoy aspects of that life is a radical act.”
Creating intentional spaces where my sons experience agency, voice, choice, and unburdened joy isn’t a parenting indulgence — it’s a necessary counterbalance to societal messages they receive daily.
New Patterns for Family Systems
Family systems theory, a cornerstone of medical sociology, suggests that patterns within families tend toward homeostasis — that means change is hard, and we resist it…even when current patterns no longer serve us. Deliberate experiments like “Yes Day” can function as what systems theorists call “pattern interrupts” — interventions that momentarily destabilize established dynamics to create openings for new ones.
In my practice with families, I’ve observed how even small shifts in interaction patterns can ripple through entire family systems. When parents who typically control make a shift into collaboration, children who typically resist often make a shift into responsibility.
I want my boys to know deep in their bones that they deserve joy, deserve to be heard, and deserve to make choices about their lives. Sometimes the most powerful question in parenting isn’t “What should I teach my children today?” but “What would happen if I listened differently today?”
A Personal Commitment
As both a researcher and Mama, I’m committing to this experiment not just for my children but for myself. The sociological imagination asks us to connect personal troubles to public issues — to see how our individual experiences reflect broader social patterns.
My struggle to release control reflects not just personal anxiety but internalized messages about what “good” Black mothering looks like in a society that scrutinizes our parenting choices. My fear that my children might make poor choices reflects awareness of the uneven consequences they may face for normal childhood mistakes.
Yet my professional training reminds me that social patterns can change. Social patterns are made and remade through daily interactions. By deliberately practicing new patterns of interaction within our families, we contribute in small but meaningful ways to reimagining what family power structures can look like.
I’ll be documenting our “Yes Day” experience, noting what insights emerge when theory meets lived experience. In the meantime, I’d love to hear from other families experimenting with power dynamics: What fears arise? What joys emerge? Have you tried a “Yes Day”? How did it go?
Because ultimately, what a beautiful thing for Black boys to grow up knowing deeply that their voices matter, their choices count, and their joy is both birthright and revolution.
Dr. Trenita is a family wellness coach and medical sociologist specializing in family dynamics in communities of color. Her research focuses on how families navigate social institutions and power structures while building resilience and joy.
